Plug the hole,
My heart is leaking,
Emptiness as love seeps out,
Leaving it dark and barren.
Plug the hole,
Let me try and keep some warmth inside,
Don't tear me apart,
Be still my heart.
Plug the hole,
Don't let another love seep away,
Don't leave me achingly empty,
Let me retain some love inside.
Plug the hole,
I don't want an empty flask,
I don't want this barren mold,
Let my heart retain its soul.
So, please plug the hole.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Conversation With Mom 13
Mommy sayang,
I went for a job interview today. During the course of the interview, the interviewer asked me what I have been doing during the time I was not working. I told him how I have written and published a book for Kindle and he asked what the book was about and I told him that it's about you and my experiences after you passed away.
He told me what I've been telling myself all this while. He said, "Don't dwell on the past. She is after all in a better place."
My head knows this Mom, but my heart? My heart won't hear anything of the sort. It keeps yearning for your continued presence in my life, it keeps insisting on holding tight to every possible link there is left of you; my heart does not know and does not want to let you go.
Mom, I know it's not healthy for either of us that I keep dwelling in the many what-ifs-scenario in my head. You have indeed moved on to a better place devoid of pain, devoid of misery. But I can't stop myself from wishing that Allah hasn't seen fit to take you away last November 4th, even though that was the most Merciful thing Allah could do for you then.
Mom, life is moving forward. Each day that I take forward now leaves you further and further behind where the distant isn't only physical but spiritual, emotional and mental, and I don't want to leave you behind; I CAN'T leave you behind.
All the things in life that I'm going through, I wish you could still be here to share with me. All the things in life that I know you would have wanted to be there for.
Mom, I thought writing that book I entitled simply, 'Mom' would be a catharsis, that it would help me heal... but now even with the book having made it's very first sale and I rejoiced in the fact that at least another soul out there who bless his or her heart has seen fit to purchase our book, and will know you as I have known you and help me in immortalizing you, I still feel hollow inside.
Mom, why won't this ache ever go?
I believe till there is no more breath in me, I will forever more carry a wound in my heart where your presence once was.
Mom, I love you and I miss you.
I went for a job interview today. During the course of the interview, the interviewer asked me what I have been doing during the time I was not working. I told him how I have written and published a book for Kindle and he asked what the book was about and I told him that it's about you and my experiences after you passed away.
He told me what I've been telling myself all this while. He said, "Don't dwell on the past. She is after all in a better place."
My head knows this Mom, but my heart? My heart won't hear anything of the sort. It keeps yearning for your continued presence in my life, it keeps insisting on holding tight to every possible link there is left of you; my heart does not know and does not want to let you go.
Mom, I know it's not healthy for either of us that I keep dwelling in the many what-ifs-scenario in my head. You have indeed moved on to a better place devoid of pain, devoid of misery. But I can't stop myself from wishing that Allah hasn't seen fit to take you away last November 4th, even though that was the most Merciful thing Allah could do for you then.
Mom, life is moving forward. Each day that I take forward now leaves you further and further behind where the distant isn't only physical but spiritual, emotional and mental, and I don't want to leave you behind; I CAN'T leave you behind.
All the things in life that I'm going through, I wish you could still be here to share with me. All the things in life that I know you would have wanted to be there for.
Mom, I thought writing that book I entitled simply, 'Mom' would be a catharsis, that it would help me heal... but now even with the book having made it's very first sale and I rejoiced in the fact that at least another soul out there who bless his or her heart has seen fit to purchase our book, and will know you as I have known you and help me in immortalizing you, I still feel hollow inside.
Mom, why won't this ache ever go?
I believe till there is no more breath in me, I will forever more carry a wound in my heart where your presence once was.
Mom, I love you and I miss you.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Mom's Tale
Growing up, Mom used to tell us stories to while away the boring hours. She would tell us stories of puteri raja (princess) and orang bunian (fey folks) and a myriad of other stories that would not only entertain but leaves us with moral lessons of what it means to be good and honorable.
Mom had a wealth of stories up her sleeves. Most of them handed down by her grandmother, told to her when she was a little girl trying to fill her boring hours.
But despite the wonderful collection of stories that she told us, there is one story I wish that she would have shared with us. Her story. The one she wanted to write always, but never did.
The Meandering River.
This tale that mom labored on in her mind, she never shared nor wrote. Although I knew she wanted to consign it on paper innumerable times.
Mom's Meandering River to us, only means that it's time to take her to the psychiatrist to increase her medicine dosage because about the only time she busied herself with her 'book' was when she was suffering a relapse of a schizophrenia.
What I do know about the book she wanted to write was that it would tell us the story of her life. How she grew up, became a wife and mother and her aspirations throughout that journey.
I would have loved to have known the story that she never shared with anyone.
Mom wasn't much of a talker. She was more of a listener. Which makes perfect sense I suppose because she married a talker. If they were both a talker their marriage would have been a disaster. No. The talker in the family is definitely Dad. Mom more often than not, just listened. She was a fantastic listener.
But still, when she did talk, it was always worth listening.
Mom, like dad had a brilliant way with words. Words were her trade if she ever had any. Before Mom needed glasses to read, she was a voracious reader. She loved her books. Which is where she got her love for words in the first place.
Books were her constant companion. When there were no one around to keep her company, books replaced the people that weren't around her.
My sister Along, got a double dose of love of reading from Mom and Dad.
But Mom shaped the kind of books that Along would grew up to love. When she was young, she would ransack Mom's collection of books and read them.
In between the books that Mom read and the stories that were told to her as a young girl, we never lacked for entertaining stories growing up.
I miss the stories that only Mom could tell. Mom's tale now reside only in our memory bank.
Mom had a wealth of stories up her sleeves. Most of them handed down by her grandmother, told to her when she was a little girl trying to fill her boring hours.
But despite the wonderful collection of stories that she told us, there is one story I wish that she would have shared with us. Her story. The one she wanted to write always, but never did.
The Meandering River.
This tale that mom labored on in her mind, she never shared nor wrote. Although I knew she wanted to consign it on paper innumerable times.
Mom's Meandering River to us, only means that it's time to take her to the psychiatrist to increase her medicine dosage because about the only time she busied herself with her 'book' was when she was suffering a relapse of a schizophrenia.
What I do know about the book she wanted to write was that it would tell us the story of her life. How she grew up, became a wife and mother and her aspirations throughout that journey.
I would have loved to have known the story that she never shared with anyone.
Mom wasn't much of a talker. She was more of a listener. Which makes perfect sense I suppose because she married a talker. If they were both a talker their marriage would have been a disaster. No. The talker in the family is definitely Dad. Mom more often than not, just listened. She was a fantastic listener.
But still, when she did talk, it was always worth listening.
Mom, like dad had a brilliant way with words. Words were her trade if she ever had any. Before Mom needed glasses to read, she was a voracious reader. She loved her books. Which is where she got her love for words in the first place.
Books were her constant companion. When there were no one around to keep her company, books replaced the people that weren't around her.
My sister Along, got a double dose of love of reading from Mom and Dad.
But Mom shaped the kind of books that Along would grew up to love. When she was young, she would ransack Mom's collection of books and read them.
In between the books that Mom read and the stories that were told to her as a young girl, we never lacked for entertaining stories growing up.
I miss the stories that only Mom could tell. Mom's tale now reside only in our memory bank.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Conversation With Mom 12
Hello Mommy,
It's been a while since I last talked to you. It's not because I don't want to talk anymore, it's just that I couldn't think of what to say. I hate being repetitious and it seems that every time I talk with you I am always telling you how miserable I am now without you.
Mom, you know I miss you with all that is in me, but I don't think it's healthy anymore for me to keep dwelling on the fact that you are now gone. I will still talk with you, but I don't think I will keep on reiterating in various different ways how much you being gone is affecting us and me in particular.
I want to tell you that in 9 days Along will leave for England and will be there for a month. She's going to visit her fiance and give a test run on how life would be there when she moves there after her marriage. You would have loved Along forging ahead with her life, contemplating marriage and a family of her own.
At least one of your children is moving on with her life. Me? I'm still stuck in the same routine, not growing, not evolving. I don't know Mom. It's at times like this that I wish you were still around to reassure me that my life is progressing nicely. That in time I will find the answers to my questions about life.
Oh yes, Dad commented one time that it's like he doesn't matter in our equation when we write our blogs. I guess my blogs with you have always been focused on my feelings, my emotions, my heartbreak. I haven't really shared with you how Dad, Abang and Along are doing.
Well, I think you would know already that they all miss you terribly. Dad is handling his bereavement by being stoic and focusing on the betterment of his children's lives. He misses you a lot. I can tell that he is finding life without you unbearable at times. There are times when he would look really sad and I know he's thinking of you.
There was that one point in time when he refuse to shave off his beard. He looked so scruffy. But he shaved it off when we were going to visit you for your one year anniversary.
And Abang. He remembers all those times when you would sit by him and accompany him while he is playing his computer games. Now he plays by himself and he says he misses the times when you were sitting by his side. He would also say sometimes how my cooking pales to yours. He misses you being around Mom. And sometimes when he gets really sad, he says he would rather be there with you than be here without you. Of course I know he doesn't mean it, just that he misses you too much.
Then there's Along. I know she still cries for you from time to time. It doesn't help that she's missing Phil the same time she's missing you. She says missing Phil and missing you is intertwined together. That when she misses Phil, she misses you and vice-versa.
Oh Mom, how do I get away from telling you how much you are dearly missed? It's hard when talking with you not to raise the fact that we are miserable without you. That life has become incomplete.
But I know, your time is done and we must accept it - no matter how hard it is to do so.
Well Mom, here is another conversation where I am telling you how hard it is without you by our side. All we have of you are memories... lets hope they won't fade as you have faded.
I love you Mom. R.I.P.
It's been a while since I last talked to you. It's not because I don't want to talk anymore, it's just that I couldn't think of what to say. I hate being repetitious and it seems that every time I talk with you I am always telling you how miserable I am now without you.
Mom, you know I miss you with all that is in me, but I don't think it's healthy anymore for me to keep dwelling on the fact that you are now gone. I will still talk with you, but I don't think I will keep on reiterating in various different ways how much you being gone is affecting us and me in particular.
I want to tell you that in 9 days Along will leave for England and will be there for a month. She's going to visit her fiance and give a test run on how life would be there when she moves there after her marriage. You would have loved Along forging ahead with her life, contemplating marriage and a family of her own.
At least one of your children is moving on with her life. Me? I'm still stuck in the same routine, not growing, not evolving. I don't know Mom. It's at times like this that I wish you were still around to reassure me that my life is progressing nicely. That in time I will find the answers to my questions about life.
Oh yes, Dad commented one time that it's like he doesn't matter in our equation when we write our blogs. I guess my blogs with you have always been focused on my feelings, my emotions, my heartbreak. I haven't really shared with you how Dad, Abang and Along are doing.
Well, I think you would know already that they all miss you terribly. Dad is handling his bereavement by being stoic and focusing on the betterment of his children's lives. He misses you a lot. I can tell that he is finding life without you unbearable at times. There are times when he would look really sad and I know he's thinking of you.
There was that one point in time when he refuse to shave off his beard. He looked so scruffy. But he shaved it off when we were going to visit you for your one year anniversary.
And Abang. He remembers all those times when you would sit by him and accompany him while he is playing his computer games. Now he plays by himself and he says he misses the times when you were sitting by his side. He would also say sometimes how my cooking pales to yours. He misses you being around Mom. And sometimes when he gets really sad, he says he would rather be there with you than be here without you. Of course I know he doesn't mean it, just that he misses you too much.
Then there's Along. I know she still cries for you from time to time. It doesn't help that she's missing Phil the same time she's missing you. She says missing Phil and missing you is intertwined together. That when she misses Phil, she misses you and vice-versa.
Oh Mom, how do I get away from telling you how much you are dearly missed? It's hard when talking with you not to raise the fact that we are miserable without you. That life has become incomplete.
But I know, your time is done and we must accept it - no matter how hard it is to do so.
Well Mom, here is another conversation where I am telling you how hard it is without you by our side. All we have of you are memories... lets hope they won't fade as you have faded.
I love you Mom. R.I.P.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Conversation With Mom 11
Hello my sweetest sorrow,
Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of your death Mom. It's hard to believe that you've been gone for 364 days... tomorrow being the 365th day. I don't know what to say to you Mom... I think I've said often enough how empty and bereft I feel since you've been gone. What else is there to say? The pain still wouldn't lessen, it still feels fresh as if it was just yesterday that I was viewing your covered lifeless self.
Memories would flood me when we visit your grave on Saturday... not the date you died but the date we laid you in the ground. Dad insist that everyone of us wear the same thing we wore when we laid your body to rest.
But the difference is, when we visit your grave, we wouldn't see fresh earth, but instead your now resplendent grave fixture. If we have the opportunity, tomorrow Along and I will make bunga rampai (flower confetti) so we can scatter them over your grave.
I've missed you mom. Today your nephew by marriage, our cousin, Musli came. We had dinner together. What struck me and made me proud is that I can continue your legacy of delicious cooking. He said that at least I had time to learn the tricks of the kitchen from you, so now at least dad wouldn't feel so out of sorts because I still can cook like you used to.
I am so glad I learned to cook from you. It is something of you that I can bring into the future... should I have children of my own someday I can tell them, this is what grandma used to cook for me when I was your age.
Even though I feel sad that my children (if I ever have any) will never know you, as you will never know them, I will still have something of you to share with them.
I will share with my children the joys of cookery as you have shared with me and instill the love of the culinary arts in them as you have in me.
I'm sorry you never got to see any grandchildren mom. I still remember the desperation in your voice as you asked Along and I whether we were married yet or not when you were in the hospital. So sorry we could not give you your fondest wish; to see us both happily married with children of our own.
Maybe one of these days, while you are wherever you are now, you get to see from afar your fondest wish coming through. InsyaAllah (God Willing) Along will be getting married next year. And with blessings from Allah, maybe she will have the children you so wanted her to have.
Mom.... I'm sorry you couldn't be around to see us fulfill your wishes, but know that whatever happens now will happen with you in our hearts always.
I love you Mom.
Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of your death Mom. It's hard to believe that you've been gone for 364 days... tomorrow being the 365th day. I don't know what to say to you Mom... I think I've said often enough how empty and bereft I feel since you've been gone. What else is there to say? The pain still wouldn't lessen, it still feels fresh as if it was just yesterday that I was viewing your covered lifeless self.
Memories would flood me when we visit your grave on Saturday... not the date you died but the date we laid you in the ground. Dad insist that everyone of us wear the same thing we wore when we laid your body to rest.
But the difference is, when we visit your grave, we wouldn't see fresh earth, but instead your now resplendent grave fixture. If we have the opportunity, tomorrow Along and I will make bunga rampai (flower confetti) so we can scatter them over your grave.
I've missed you mom. Today your nephew by marriage, our cousin, Musli came. We had dinner together. What struck me and made me proud is that I can continue your legacy of delicious cooking. He said that at least I had time to learn the tricks of the kitchen from you, so now at least dad wouldn't feel so out of sorts because I still can cook like you used to.
I am so glad I learned to cook from you. It is something of you that I can bring into the future... should I have children of my own someday I can tell them, this is what grandma used to cook for me when I was your age.
Even though I feel sad that my children (if I ever have any) will never know you, as you will never know them, I will still have something of you to share with them.
I will share with my children the joys of cookery as you have shared with me and instill the love of the culinary arts in them as you have in me.
I'm sorry you never got to see any grandchildren mom. I still remember the desperation in your voice as you asked Along and I whether we were married yet or not when you were in the hospital. So sorry we could not give you your fondest wish; to see us both happily married with children of our own.
Maybe one of these days, while you are wherever you are now, you get to see from afar your fondest wish coming through. InsyaAllah (God Willing) Along will be getting married next year. And with blessings from Allah, maybe she will have the children you so wanted her to have.
Mom.... I'm sorry you couldn't be around to see us fulfill your wishes, but know that whatever happens now will happen with you in our hearts always.
I love you Mom.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Un-cauterized Pain
It will be one year since Mom passed away on November 4th 2011. One year of feeling out of sorts and incomplete. Being without Mom as long as a year has not lessened the impact of losing her.
It still hurts as if it was just yesterday that I last saw Mom alive. I can still remember vividly the coldness that had seeped into my heart as I watched the nurses take off the life support system from Mom's lifeless body.
I know I've said this before, but I still wonder if this is one wound that time cannot heal or whether not enough time has passed by for the pain to lessen.
I miss Mom so very, very much. Everyday is a struggle to exist on earth with the knowledge that Mom is no longer there to walk beside me as I go through this journey we call life.
I don't know if this pain will always be there in my heart - an open wound that cannot be cauterized.
I know one should let the deceased rest and not bother them with worry of the miseries those left behind are suffering, yet I just can't help but suffer the pain of losing Mom.
Lately I have been posting my conversations with Mom. I haven't really posted anything where I am not speaking directly to Mom; reason being I miss the actual conversations I used to have with her. There just have been so many things that I wanted her to know - made sense to strike conversations with her, instead of eulogizing her all the time.
But today. Today I want to share with the world the pain I've been carrying inside of me for the last 11 months and closing on 12.
I don't know if there'll ever come a time when I think of Mom and this constant ache in my heart won't be there. From what my cousins told me, they got used to talking about their father with just fondness minus the pain. But my uncle has passed away for quite a while. Maybe in years to come, I too will be able to look back and think of Mom simply with happy remembrance and no trace of the pain that is still so very prevalent in my daily thoughts of Mom at this moment in time.
I guess I'll just have to wait and see if time will heal this wound in my heart. Either that or learn to live with a constant ache there.
It still hurts as if it was just yesterday that I last saw Mom alive. I can still remember vividly the coldness that had seeped into my heart as I watched the nurses take off the life support system from Mom's lifeless body.
I know I've said this before, but I still wonder if this is one wound that time cannot heal or whether not enough time has passed by for the pain to lessen.
I miss Mom so very, very much. Everyday is a struggle to exist on earth with the knowledge that Mom is no longer there to walk beside me as I go through this journey we call life.
I don't know if this pain will always be there in my heart - an open wound that cannot be cauterized.
I know one should let the deceased rest and not bother them with worry of the miseries those left behind are suffering, yet I just can't help but suffer the pain of losing Mom.
Lately I have been posting my conversations with Mom. I haven't really posted anything where I am not speaking directly to Mom; reason being I miss the actual conversations I used to have with her. There just have been so many things that I wanted her to know - made sense to strike conversations with her, instead of eulogizing her all the time.
But today. Today I want to share with the world the pain I've been carrying inside of me for the last 11 months and closing on 12.
I don't know if there'll ever come a time when I think of Mom and this constant ache in my heart won't be there. From what my cousins told me, they got used to talking about their father with just fondness minus the pain. But my uncle has passed away for quite a while. Maybe in years to come, I too will be able to look back and think of Mom simply with happy remembrance and no trace of the pain that is still so very prevalent in my daily thoughts of Mom at this moment in time.
I guess I'll just have to wait and see if time will heal this wound in my heart. Either that or learn to live with a constant ache there.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Conversation With Mom 10
Mommy dear,
Abang went on a 4 days trip to Taman Negara. He left on Tuesday and came back on Friday.
It was an excruciating time for dad and I and were you still alive I know you would have suffered the separation as well. Only Along seemed ok with it. When asked, Along said she had set her mind that Abang will be gone for certain number of days and so she didn't miss him. She said her heart wouldn't be able to take it if she is missing boy on top of missing you and Phil.
I don't know about Along. She confounds me sometime.
But I did miss Abang a lot. It's not like missing you though, because I know I'll see Abang again, unlike missing you where being able to see you again would come only when death claims me too.
I'm having this conversation with you to share Abang's trip with you. I know you would want to be kept up to date on what's going on around here. Abang had a wonderful time. He said the experience that trip gave him was AWESOME.
Abang went on a 4 days trip to Taman Negara. He left on Tuesday and came back on Friday.
It was an excruciating time for dad and I and were you still alive I know you would have suffered the separation as well. Only Along seemed ok with it. When asked, Along said she had set her mind that Abang will be gone for certain number of days and so she didn't miss him. She said her heart wouldn't be able to take it if she is missing boy on top of missing you and Phil.
I don't know about Along. She confounds me sometime.
But I did miss Abang a lot. It's not like missing you though, because I know I'll see Abang again, unlike missing you where being able to see you again would come only when death claims me too.
I'm having this conversation with you to share Abang's trip with you. I know you would want to be kept up to date on what's going on around here. Abang had a wonderful time. He said the experience that trip gave him was AWESOME.
Abang and his friends cooking in Taman Negara
You would have been so proud of him Mom. He said his friends commented on how lucky they were that Abang was on that trip because Abang was always so helpful and dependable.
He is so big now Mom. So grown up at 16. I wish you could see him now. Your little boy is now a very mature young man. He did a lot of growing up in the year since you've been gone.
I know I've told you this before, but Abang is really affected by your death. He misses you so much. But like in one of my earlier post, he is so afraid that he'd forget you. I assured him, he might forget minor things sometimes, but he'll never forget the important things - like how much you loved him and want him to grow up into a respectable man.
Well Mom, you'd be so proud of him now. He is a kind and considerate teenager. He is ever so polite and courteous. Everything you raises him up to be. I want to share with you a picture of him looking so happy on his trip.
Abang, sitting in the river in Taman Negara
Doesn't he look so happy Mom? There are not a lot of moments when he is truly happy nowadays. More often than not at home he is brooding and thinking dark thoughts. But I'll not tell you about his unhappy thoughts. I just wanted to share with you how happy he was during that trip and how I know that despite missing him, you too would be so pleased to know that he had a wonderful time during his trip.
I'll leave you now Mom and will talk again when I have more to say to you. In the meantime R.I.P.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Conversation With Mom 9
Mommy love,
I had to go to the emergency department at Hospital Serdang yesterday because I was feeling so cold earlier in the day.
Going there brought back memories how we brought you to the same hospital by ambulance only to never see you come out.
I kept thinking, me being the drama queen that I am, that what if fate repeats itself and it'll be me who is admitted into the hospital and this time it'll be me who wouldn't leave the hospital alive.
I know it was highly irrational of me, but I couldn't help but think of the day we brought you to the emergency department and it turns into a 46 days stay at the hospital until you passed away.
It hits Along harder than it hit me, the remembrance of the last time we were at the same emergency department. She told me while she was waiting for me to finish having fluids put into me she had a crying jag, thinking of that fateful day when your fate was sealed.
Mommy, I am lucky that nothing is seriously wrong with me other than having contracted the dengue fever. It hurts and I am uncomfortable, but it's nothing life threatening. The nurse told me after I asked her if I have dengue fever that I only have a mild case of it and that it is not the serious kind. The doctor didn't tell me anything other than to come back today to check my platelet count again and to come in if symptoms persist so they can administer the fluids again.
I hurt like nobody's business, but I am not on my death bed. Which is good, because I have barely lived my life. There are still things I want to achieve and accomplish on this earth.
Mommy, I have to admit while I was waiting to see the doctor that the irrational part of me worried that there might have been something seriously wrong with me and that I just might meet you sooner than I think, but although I miss you terribly and would love to be by your side again, I am still so very glad that I am not at death's door.
For now, I'll just have to keep writing this blog and keep having conversation with you to ease the pain of missing you.
I know you would be glad that nothing is seriously wrong with me and I know you would want me to celebrate life for as long as I can. I live now in your memory Mom. I'm trying to accomplish all the things you dreamed for me and want me to achieve.
Like when you were ill you kept asking Along and I if we were married yet and we had to disappoint you and tell you we are still unmarried. Well, Along will fulfill your lifelong dream of having one of your children married. She's getting married to Phil sometime late next year. You know Phil Mom. You met him once and he came to your grave once on your 100th day of being gone although he didn't stay long by your grave because the ants there got him.
He is a wonderful man and you'll be glad to know Along has find the love of her life after years of swearing off men.
As for me, I am still single and very much unattached. I would love very much to find someone to love and fulfill your dream for me as well, but as of yet I haven't met anyone. It's hard to meet anyone when I don't go out anywhere. But I know you'll be praying for my happiness from wherever you are now.
Well Mommy, I've said all I feel like saying at the moment so I'll leave you now for the time-being to have you R.I.P.
I miss you and I love you always
I had to go to the emergency department at Hospital Serdang yesterday because I was feeling so cold earlier in the day.
Going there brought back memories how we brought you to the same hospital by ambulance only to never see you come out.
I kept thinking, me being the drama queen that I am, that what if fate repeats itself and it'll be me who is admitted into the hospital and this time it'll be me who wouldn't leave the hospital alive.
I know it was highly irrational of me, but I couldn't help but think of the day we brought you to the emergency department and it turns into a 46 days stay at the hospital until you passed away.
It hits Along harder than it hit me, the remembrance of the last time we were at the same emergency department. She told me while she was waiting for me to finish having fluids put into me she had a crying jag, thinking of that fateful day when your fate was sealed.
Mommy, I am lucky that nothing is seriously wrong with me other than having contracted the dengue fever. It hurts and I am uncomfortable, but it's nothing life threatening. The nurse told me after I asked her if I have dengue fever that I only have a mild case of it and that it is not the serious kind. The doctor didn't tell me anything other than to come back today to check my platelet count again and to come in if symptoms persist so they can administer the fluids again.
I hurt like nobody's business, but I am not on my death bed. Which is good, because I have barely lived my life. There are still things I want to achieve and accomplish on this earth.
Mommy, I have to admit while I was waiting to see the doctor that the irrational part of me worried that there might have been something seriously wrong with me and that I just might meet you sooner than I think, but although I miss you terribly and would love to be by your side again, I am still so very glad that I am not at death's door.
For now, I'll just have to keep writing this blog and keep having conversation with you to ease the pain of missing you.
I know you would be glad that nothing is seriously wrong with me and I know you would want me to celebrate life for as long as I can. I live now in your memory Mom. I'm trying to accomplish all the things you dreamed for me and want me to achieve.
Like when you were ill you kept asking Along and I if we were married yet and we had to disappoint you and tell you we are still unmarried. Well, Along will fulfill your lifelong dream of having one of your children married. She's getting married to Phil sometime late next year. You know Phil Mom. You met him once and he came to your grave once on your 100th day of being gone although he didn't stay long by your grave because the ants there got him.
He is a wonderful man and you'll be glad to know Along has find the love of her life after years of swearing off men.
As for me, I am still single and very much unattached. I would love very much to find someone to love and fulfill your dream for me as well, but as of yet I haven't met anyone. It's hard to meet anyone when I don't go out anywhere. But I know you'll be praying for my happiness from wherever you are now.
Well Mommy, I've said all I feel like saying at the moment so I'll leave you now for the time-being to have you R.I.P.
I miss you and I love you always
Friday, October 14, 2011
Conversation With Mom 8
Hello Mommy,
It's an hour before dawn and I've been up all night. Was up reading until 3.40 then came down and mess around with the computer.
I have been meaning to write a post here for days but just didn't know what to write.
Right now though, I feel like having a conversation with you, so here we are.
I wonder how you are doing. Are you all right wherever you are now? Are you cognizant to the fact that you are no longer alive or are you in some sort of limbo? Despite being taught religion since I was in primary school up to all the way until I finished secondary school, I don't actually know what happened to those who have moved on.
I know there's an afterlife. But that comes once the end of days comes and judgement time arrives for who is naughty or nice and who'd end up in heaven or hell. But in the mean time, what happens when you die? Where do your soul go to? What happens to the dead? What happened to you Mom?
I wish I know for sure that you are all right. That if you are stuck in your grave and being questioned by the two angels, that your grave is roomy and comfy and that you don't suffer the punishment found inside that 6 feet hole and that you could answer all the questions Mungkar and Nangkir would pose for you.
I don't know what got me in this train of thought, but the other day I had a dream about you. And in it I just realised you had moved on and I was crying in the dream. I don't know if I was crying outside in my sleep though.
I just had this worrisome thought that you aren't doing well in the after life because I am here crying for you. They say the tears and cries of the living weighs heavily on the spirit of those who have moved on.
Do I pain you with my sorrow mom? Do my missing you causes you grief in the hereafter?
I can't help being sad all the time Mom. I think of all the things that we had done together while you were still alive and I can't help but yearn to have all those experiences back in my life.
I miss you. I say this practically every time I have a conversation with you, but it remains as true as the first time I said it. It never changes. I miss you all the time.
I see how sad everyone in the family is since you've been gone.
Nothing has been the same since you return to the Almighty.
Dad is more sensitive now. He gets touchy at the slightest provocation. Sometimes silly thing like responding to his calls a little bit later and he feels like he's all alone and that no one cares for him.
And then there's Abang. He keeps saying how he only had 15 measly years with you where as Along and I had you for more than 3 decades.
And Along of course. She cries for you all the time. It gets worse during that time of the month when her PMS is acting up. The slightest thing will set her off. And late at night when she is in pain she cries out for you in remembrance of all those times in the past when you would be about the only one who would get up and soothe her aching body with your gentle massages.
And me.
Your little girl who is now so lost without you even though she's an adult of 32 years of age.
I need you still mom. If only for the companionship that you gave me. The easy camaraderie we shared. The secrets and dreams I would share with you and only you. The doubts, insecurities and worries that seems to wash away after a good heart-to-heart with you.
It's hard mom.
It's almost a year since you left us and it's still hard - going on with life without you.
It is like a constant knife in my heart. Embedded so deep that the wound just keeps on festering.
I miss you Mom. But for tonight, this is all I manage to say to you. Till next time. Take care and R.I.P
It's an hour before dawn and I've been up all night. Was up reading until 3.40 then came down and mess around with the computer.
I have been meaning to write a post here for days but just didn't know what to write.
Right now though, I feel like having a conversation with you, so here we are.
I wonder how you are doing. Are you all right wherever you are now? Are you cognizant to the fact that you are no longer alive or are you in some sort of limbo? Despite being taught religion since I was in primary school up to all the way until I finished secondary school, I don't actually know what happened to those who have moved on.
I know there's an afterlife. But that comes once the end of days comes and judgement time arrives for who is naughty or nice and who'd end up in heaven or hell. But in the mean time, what happens when you die? Where do your soul go to? What happens to the dead? What happened to you Mom?
I wish I know for sure that you are all right. That if you are stuck in your grave and being questioned by the two angels, that your grave is roomy and comfy and that you don't suffer the punishment found inside that 6 feet hole and that you could answer all the questions Mungkar and Nangkir would pose for you.
I don't know what got me in this train of thought, but the other day I had a dream about you. And in it I just realised you had moved on and I was crying in the dream. I don't know if I was crying outside in my sleep though.
I just had this worrisome thought that you aren't doing well in the after life because I am here crying for you. They say the tears and cries of the living weighs heavily on the spirit of those who have moved on.
Do I pain you with my sorrow mom? Do my missing you causes you grief in the hereafter?
I can't help being sad all the time Mom. I think of all the things that we had done together while you were still alive and I can't help but yearn to have all those experiences back in my life.
I miss you. I say this practically every time I have a conversation with you, but it remains as true as the first time I said it. It never changes. I miss you all the time.
I see how sad everyone in the family is since you've been gone.
Nothing has been the same since you return to the Almighty.
Dad is more sensitive now. He gets touchy at the slightest provocation. Sometimes silly thing like responding to his calls a little bit later and he feels like he's all alone and that no one cares for him.
And then there's Abang. He keeps saying how he only had 15 measly years with you where as Along and I had you for more than 3 decades.
And Along of course. She cries for you all the time. It gets worse during that time of the month when her PMS is acting up. The slightest thing will set her off. And late at night when she is in pain she cries out for you in remembrance of all those times in the past when you would be about the only one who would get up and soothe her aching body with your gentle massages.
And me.
Your little girl who is now so lost without you even though she's an adult of 32 years of age.
I need you still mom. If only for the companionship that you gave me. The easy camaraderie we shared. The secrets and dreams I would share with you and only you. The doubts, insecurities and worries that seems to wash away after a good heart-to-heart with you.
It's hard mom.
It's almost a year since you left us and it's still hard - going on with life without you.
It is like a constant knife in my heart. Embedded so deep that the wound just keeps on festering.
I miss you Mom. But for tonight, this is all I manage to say to you. Till next time. Take care and R.I.P
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Conversation With Mom 7
You and I
Mom, I dreamed of you last night. I was crying and telling Along could we please visit you at the hospital since we haven't been to see you ever since you were admitted. I said how could we not go and visit Mom. We don't know what is happening with Mom at the hospital. It was like we have forgotten you at the hospital. I was really upset and then I woke up and realized you were already gone and that it's not that we have forgotten to visit you at the hospital, it's that you are gone and no longer in the hospital for us to visit you.
Mom, I miss you so much. I looked at the pictures that have you in it and I ache for things to be as they were. I ache to have you near me once more.
On the 24th of September, we went to Chenor to have your kalang (grave base) fixed. Your place of rest now is resplendent Mom. We finally managed to house your grave. Your grave looks wonderful now mom.
Abang, Me and Dad at your grave
Along took the picture above. We were reciting Al-Fatihah at your grave after your kalang was fixed.
Before the kalang was fixed, Abang and I talked with you. Telling you about what we have been up to - what we wished we could have shared with you.
Dad cried. He misses you just as much (if not more) as we do.
Mom, you were gone too soon.
I miss you every single day and sometimes it's even hard for me to breathe thinking of how on your last days on earth you had a machine breathing for you. I know you were in terrible pain at the end and it was Merciful of Allah to end your life for otherwise you would have only suffered further. But still, the ache in me wished you are still around.
It's hard going through daily routine when suddenly I would turn around and expect to see you only to be jarred by the reality that you are no longer there for mt eyes to see.
Mom, soon it'll be your one year anniversary. I don't know what that's supposed to mean other than that's how long you've been gone. Still feel just like yesterday when last I saw you alive.
Pain is a constant companion ever since you went back to the Almighty Allah. All I can do now is send you a prayer that you are among the faithful and that your soul is at rest. I pray daily that me missing you so bad here does not affect your soul and make it restless.
Al-Fatihah Mom, till our next conversation - R.I.P Mom.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Conversation With Mom 6
Mommy, I was helping Abang with some Maths just now and I totally screw it up and it brought my recollection to the time I was in Standard 6 and you use to help me with my Maths problems.
I remember that you would usually get the answer right but the calculations you did were always wrong. It is still strange to me how you got the answers right when you always erred with your calculations.
Fond memories. That's all that is left of you now.
Tomorrow Abang, Along and I will have an outing with your younger sister. It'll be strange going on an outing to meet her without you when all previous outing before this were accompanied by you. I suppose we will do a lot of reminiscing when we meet her tomorrow. It is hard talking about you to those who barely knew you, but this wouldn't be the case. For what it's worth I do believe she loved you in her own ways and it'll be wonderful to talk about you to someone who also loved you.
Mom, this 24th of September will we go back to Pahang to get your kalang (grave base) fixed at your grave. I will see you then and will share with you all the happenings in our lives since I saw you last on Hari Raya (Eid).
But in the mean time, I'll share it with you here.
I went for an interview at NST on Wednesday. It went well I think Mom. I know you are looking out for me from wherever you are now and by the grace of Allah I hope I'll get into this training scheme. I want you to be proud of me Mom.
I know how you worried over your children's future while you were alive and I know if you are still cognizant you'd be worried still about us from where you are. I want you to know that I'm doing ok in life Mom. That my life is turning out all right.
Oh, I want to tell you about Grey. You know how she used to love to sleep by your feet, and how you would always try to get rid of her? She now sleep at Along's feet and Along too finds it irritating.
We took Grey to the vet yesterday. She has gingivitis. Her mouth is infected and she is in pain. I am giving her medicine that the vet has prescribed. She hates it and it is really hard to feed her the medicine.
I know you would feel really bad for Grey if you are here still. I just thought I'd share the story about her with you. I know you loved her despite you always complaining that she makes it uncomfortable for you to have a proper night's sleep.
Mom, it hasn't been bad for me in a while. I miss you yes, but the aching sorrow that would have me bawling in tears has not reared it's unhappy head in a while. I don't know if it means I'm getting used to not having you around or that it's just a lull until the next attack comes. But whatever it means, know that I still miss you - EVERYDAY.
I love you and I miss you.
I remember that you would usually get the answer right but the calculations you did were always wrong. It is still strange to me how you got the answers right when you always erred with your calculations.
Fond memories. That's all that is left of you now.
Tomorrow Abang, Along and I will have an outing with your younger sister. It'll be strange going on an outing to meet her without you when all previous outing before this were accompanied by you. I suppose we will do a lot of reminiscing when we meet her tomorrow. It is hard talking about you to those who barely knew you, but this wouldn't be the case. For what it's worth I do believe she loved you in her own ways and it'll be wonderful to talk about you to someone who also loved you.
Mom, this 24th of September will we go back to Pahang to get your kalang (grave base) fixed at your grave. I will see you then and will share with you all the happenings in our lives since I saw you last on Hari Raya (Eid).
But in the mean time, I'll share it with you here.
I went for an interview at NST on Wednesday. It went well I think Mom. I know you are looking out for me from wherever you are now and by the grace of Allah I hope I'll get into this training scheme. I want you to be proud of me Mom.
I know how you worried over your children's future while you were alive and I know if you are still cognizant you'd be worried still about us from where you are. I want you to know that I'm doing ok in life Mom. That my life is turning out all right.
Oh, I want to tell you about Grey. You know how she used to love to sleep by your feet, and how you would always try to get rid of her? She now sleep at Along's feet and Along too finds it irritating.
We took Grey to the vet yesterday. She has gingivitis. Her mouth is infected and she is in pain. I am giving her medicine that the vet has prescribed. She hates it and it is really hard to feed her the medicine.
I know you would feel really bad for Grey if you are here still. I just thought I'd share the story about her with you. I know you loved her despite you always complaining that she makes it uncomfortable for you to have a proper night's sleep.
Mom, it hasn't been bad for me in a while. I miss you yes, but the aching sorrow that would have me bawling in tears has not reared it's unhappy head in a while. I don't know if it means I'm getting used to not having you around or that it's just a lull until the next attack comes. But whatever it means, know that I still miss you - EVERYDAY.
I love you and I miss you.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Conversation With Mom 5
Hello Mommy,
I suffered a disappointment today and I want to share it with you. I entered a contest and the result came out today. I did not win. It is the nature of contest and competition that there's a chance to win and even greater chance of losing.
I remember how you had always encouraged me to enter contest as you were fond of them too.
I recall the one time when I was about nine and you send in a story to a magazine and your prize was RM100. I remember how you were so excited about the prize. You went to the bank everyday to check whether your winnings have cleared.
I still remember how I found your excitement contagious and endearing.
Today as I swallowed the feeling of being let down, I remember how you always faced the inevitable losses you suffer when you enter contest with calmness and a sense of acceptance.
And of course what I remember most is your exuberance when you did win something. Remember the crossword puzzle you entered and won and despite the fact you had to share your winnings with other entrants who got it right didn't diminish your joy one bit.
Oh Mom, how I miss how you look at the world. You were always seeing the best that life has too offer, even when times were bad and you had your worries. You always had faith that things will work out.
I miss that about you Mom... among other things. How I long to hear you say to me, "It's ok Adik, you'll win the next one."
Mom, now this one-sided conversation is all I have left off you. Never will I hear your responses again. Days like this, when I need to hear the quiet assurance in your voice that things will work out in the future, I feel the emptiness even more acutely.
Miss you Mom.
Forgive me if I trouble you with my aching heart. I just miss you too much mom.
I suffered a disappointment today and I want to share it with you. I entered a contest and the result came out today. I did not win. It is the nature of contest and competition that there's a chance to win and even greater chance of losing.
I remember how you had always encouraged me to enter contest as you were fond of them too.
I recall the one time when I was about nine and you send in a story to a magazine and your prize was RM100. I remember how you were so excited about the prize. You went to the bank everyday to check whether your winnings have cleared.
I still remember how I found your excitement contagious and endearing.
Today as I swallowed the feeling of being let down, I remember how you always faced the inevitable losses you suffer when you enter contest with calmness and a sense of acceptance.
And of course what I remember most is your exuberance when you did win something. Remember the crossword puzzle you entered and won and despite the fact you had to share your winnings with other entrants who got it right didn't diminish your joy one bit.
Oh Mom, how I miss how you look at the world. You were always seeing the best that life has too offer, even when times were bad and you had your worries. You always had faith that things will work out.
I miss that about you Mom... among other things. How I long to hear you say to me, "It's ok Adik, you'll win the next one."
Mom, now this one-sided conversation is all I have left off you. Never will I hear your responses again. Days like this, when I need to hear the quiet assurance in your voice that things will work out in the future, I feel the emptiness even more acutely.
Miss you Mom.
Forgive me if I trouble you with my aching heart. I just miss you too much mom.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Raya With Mom At Her Place Of Rest
It was the first Raya (Eid) without Mom. Last year two days before Raya Mom fell which set the course for her demise a month and a half later.
Last year I didn't know it was my last raya with Mom. It was like any other raya except that raya mom was in pain. For a change, for the first time ever last year I was in charge of cooking the raya meal. This year is the second time I had to cook the raya meal.
This year we spend raya at Mom's grave. Dad told mom that Abang finished the 30 days fasting for the first time and that I am really great at cooking now and that Along has become an expert with doing up her hair.
Unlike most times when I visit Mom's grave, I did not break in to tears. I think my tears were already spent the previous couple of days before raya when I got a really bad attack of missing Mom.
A friend of the family told me today that Dad told her that he hated Doctor's especially now because they caused mom to die.
I don't know how I feel about doctors. I think they did the best they could. But there was this one doctor who treated Mom last year who keeps telling us that Mom didn't have a chance of surviving. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if they gave up on Mom long before it was her time to go.
But putting blame or being angry at the situation won't change anything. Whatever we say or do now will never bring Mommy back, although I kept dreaming of Mom coming back from the dead.
Just last night I dreamed that Mom came back to give me advice. She told me to try and stick to whatever I set my mind to do and not to give up halfway.
I miss mom's wisdom. You might not expect that mom has much to say, because Dad is more prominent in that he speaks out more and give directives more often than mom does, but I know some of the best advice about life I had received from Mom. She might seem unassuming and have little to say, but when Mom speaks her mind you know it's worth its weight in gold.
I miss Mom.
This raya, I cannot kneel at her feet and ask her forgiveness in person, but I did knelt at her grave and say a prayer for her and ask her forgiveness at her place of eternal rest.
R.I.P Mom.
I miss you and I love you.
Last year I didn't know it was my last raya with Mom. It was like any other raya except that raya mom was in pain. For a change, for the first time ever last year I was in charge of cooking the raya meal. This year is the second time I had to cook the raya meal.
Along, Dad Abang and I at Mom's grave
This year we spend raya at Mom's grave. Dad told mom that Abang finished the 30 days fasting for the first time and that I am really great at cooking now and that Along has become an expert with doing up her hair.
Unlike most times when I visit Mom's grave, I did not break in to tears. I think my tears were already spent the previous couple of days before raya when I got a really bad attack of missing Mom.
A friend of the family told me today that Dad told her that he hated Doctor's especially now because they caused mom to die.
I don't know how I feel about doctors. I think they did the best they could. But there was this one doctor who treated Mom last year who keeps telling us that Mom didn't have a chance of surviving. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if they gave up on Mom long before it was her time to go.
But putting blame or being angry at the situation won't change anything. Whatever we say or do now will never bring Mommy back, although I kept dreaming of Mom coming back from the dead.
Just last night I dreamed that Mom came back to give me advice. She told me to try and stick to whatever I set my mind to do and not to give up halfway.
I miss mom's wisdom. You might not expect that mom has much to say, because Dad is more prominent in that he speaks out more and give directives more often than mom does, but I know some of the best advice about life I had received from Mom. She might seem unassuming and have little to say, but when Mom speaks her mind you know it's worth its weight in gold.
I miss Mom.
This raya, I cannot kneel at her feet and ask her forgiveness in person, but I did knelt at her grave and say a prayer for her and ask her forgiveness at her place of eternal rest.
R.I.P Mom.
I miss you and I love you.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Mom's Song
Mom on her last day
I don't know why, but today as I was listening to all of my favourite songs, I kept thinking of Mom and how I will never listen to certain songs ever again without thinking of her and how I will never get to share with her my favourite songs ever again.
When Mom was ill in the hospital and it was just the two of us, sometimes she would ask me to sing to her and sometimes I would just simply sing to her to entertain her and to pass our time together and take us for a brief moment away from the pain, away from the gloom of the hospital room and into the song that I sang off-key.
Mom loved to sing, but we would never let her because she is tone deaf and have a really horrible singing tune. But now, just with the rest of things that I miss about her, I wish I could hear her sing off key just once more if it meant I could have her in my life still.
Not a single day that goes by that some little things in life don't remind me of her. There is always something in the day to day activities that I go through that will remind me of her.
Sometimes when I'm sitting at the table, peeling potatoes or dicing onions I would remember all the time I spent cooking with mom. And sometimes I would go to the shop and see the strawberry milk drink that I would often buy for Mom whenever I go to the shops, and I would think of how now I will never get to buy Mom that drink anymore.
There's always something in the daily grind that would remind me of mom. On some days I just brush the memories aside and get on with life as usual, but there are bad days when I just break down and fail to stop the tears from falling.
Today is one of those bad days. Been crying on and off since yesterday's early evening and now it's one hour into the new day and I'm still fighting back tears.
I keep telling myself what I always hear people say. That it gets easier with time. That time will heal all wounds. And right back at that I tell myself on bad days, that maybe losing mom won't ever get easier no matter how much time has passed, that maybe this is one wound that time can't heal.
I don't know. It hasn't been a year yet. Maybe it is too recent for time to take its healing effects.
But if I keep having this bad days, then for sure that truism is a falsehood.
We will see won't we; given enough time?
Conversation With Mom 4
Hello Mommy,
In four days I will see you again at your grave. It will be the first raya we celebrate at your final resting place. I'm incredibly sad today. I don't know why. I'm just sitting here in front of the computer and thinking of you and tears are streaming down my cheeks.
I have bad days like today when I miss you so bad that it feels like my whole world is crumbling down all around me yet again. I don't know why mom. I thought it's supposed to get easier with time.
This November 4th will be the first anniversary of your passing and I still can't wrap my head around the idea that you are no longer with us.
I miss you so bad. It hurts so bad.
My heart is all raw and bleeding from missing you so much. It aches Mom. It aches for the soft smile you use to have on your face. It aches for the gentle way you have when you speak. It aches for the love that I used to feel emanating from you. It aches for YOU.
Mom, you weren't here when Abang turned 16. That was a heartache for everyone of us, but especially for boy. He hurts so much that you won't get to see him grow up that he says he doesn't want to celebrate his birthdays anymore.
And Along just wrote a post yesterday saying how she is even less looking forward to her birthday this year than she usually is. Last year on her birthday you fell, and this year will only serve as a reminder of her last birthday with you.
Mom, my mind keep asking the question IF. I can't let go of the many what ifs in my head. What if you hadn't fall. What if I hadn't ask you to tend to the pot in the kitchen? What if we had gotten you to the hospital sooner when you did fall... What if we had taken better care of you?
I know asking these questions only adds to the pain... as if we could have done something to avert fate.
But Mom, I can't help it. I keep playing in my hand the different scenarios that could have happened and the outcome of it. Maybe if you hadn't fall, you'd still be here. Still be here to watch Abang grow. Still be here when Along gets married. Still be here to see me keep a job and be successful at it. Still be here to keep dad company. Still be here so we can still shower you with our love.
Mom, I know Allah has decided that it was time for you to come home and for you to finally be at rest. Rest from a life you have grown weary off. Allah is the All-Knowing. Allah knows it was time for you to go.
But not to talk back to the divine or anything, but I wish sometimes Allah is less-knowing so I might still have you with me.
I know it is selfish of me. I know you are in a better place. You so suffered in your last two months on earth and all the years you have been living half a life, a shadow of your former self... but mom, I would give anything if I could see you lying on the bed in the room peacefully sleeping and see your sleepy eyes when I wake you to oversee me prepare a meal.
Mom, how I miss our time together. You were my best friend. I could share with you anything, no matter how silly and ridiculous... and I miss that Mom.
I miss having someone I can talk with. I love our conversations together. Now I only have this one sided conversation with you and never again will I hear you telling me that life will turn out all right because what else would it be if not all right?
Mom, I miss you. R.I.P Mom. See you on Hari Raya (Eid).
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Conversation With Mom 3
Mommy,
I'm feeling incredibly sad at the moment. I don't know why. I was looking at my previous posts on this blog and as I stare at the background picture of when you were at the hospital, my heart just fell apart yet again.
Tears are streaming down my cheek as I realize yet again that you are no longer here and it's breaking my heart into a million pieces.
It's bad tonight. I'm missing you so much. I don't know why.
Life would go on as usual and you's be there at the back of my mind, but nowadays mostly I can function without you anymore. But there are times like tonight when the remembrance gets to acute and I just fall to pieces.
Just when I think I've got the hang of not having you around this would happen and I would be right back at square one, crying at your wake right after we buried you.
I still remember the day we put you in the ground as clear as if it just happened yesterday. Along and Abang arrived at the mosque in your hometown Chenor with the hearse first.
When they arrived there there weren't really anyone yet. It was just before dawn and the morning prayers were just about to begin.
Dad, Aunty Jen and I arrived 45 minutes later and soon the relatives came and things started happening.
I remember telling Along that it was right that she was your child that last saw you alive, because she was the first born. She greeted you first and she should be the one to see you last.
Along told me I was being nonsensical and not to get myself upset over nothing (I was crying as I told her this).
Mom, losing you is the single most hardest thing I have ever had to face all of my life so far.
I am still adjusting to not having you around.
I don't know when I'll ever think of you and not feel the loss and the urge to weep.
Mom, tomorrow I am going to sit for my L test for the second time. You know what happened with my first license. How I 'lost' it and now have to sit for the test all over again.
I wish you were still here so I can share with you the joy when I pass my theory test tomorrow.
All the little, little things in my life that I would have normally shared with you first... I won't be able to share it with you anymore.
Like when my story was printed at the back of a receipt and I won a RM20 voucher. Or when just a few days ago I won a USD$30 prize for second place in a flash fiction contest.
I miss seeing the pride in your eyes whenever I accomplish something.
I remember on my graduation day, the shine in your eyes when you saw your daughter whom you thought would never graduate graduated. I remember how happy I was that I could share that moment with you.
And when I told you I couldn't do my masters you were the only one who told me it was ok if I quit. I know you didn't want me to be a quitter, but I know too that you didn't want me to be miserable more than you didn't want me to give up on things so easily.
That were you in a nutshell Mom. You always wanted our happiness above all else. It didn't matter what other people saw in us, you didn't care what society thinks as long as your family is happy with the way things were you were happy too.
Mom, I miss having you around.
You were my constant companion. You were my best friend. You gave me solace, understanding, trust and you were always proud of me no matter what scrapes I get myself into.
And when I transgressed in my late teens, you took my transgression as your failure not mine. You didn't blame me for what I did wrong, you didn't judge. I still remember what you told me when I came to you and told you what I had done, "It's not your fault Adik. Don't blame yourself. It's my fault for not being there for you."
Although I knew then as I know now, that it certainly was my fault and not yours at all, I appreciated you taking the fault as your own and absolving me of my guilt.
So many instances when you had been there for me throughout your lifetime with me, that I can't help but miss the assurance that you would always have my back.
I miss your presence Mom.
I miss your gentle smile, your quiet voice, your loving self.
I miss YOU.
R.I.P Mom.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Cooking With Mom
In my earlier post, I said that Mom's talent was her cooking ability. This is without a doubt the truth as I know it.
The thing is when Mom was a young woman, she loved baking. She would bake all sorts of desserts, from cookies to cakes to tiny muffins and delicious meringues. She learned all sorts of baking delights. From western desserts to more traditional Malay kuih (desserts).
As Mom went from being a carefree young woman to a wife and mother, she still cooks her desserts but she added to her repertoire daily dishes which one needs to eat on a day to day basis.
Even at preparing daily meals Mom excelled.
What I want to talk about today is Mom's recipe for kuih semperit. A favorite cookie of ours, semperit were usually made only for the Eid celebration. This once a year treat is especially dear to my sister.
It would be the only cookie from Mom's full repertoire that Along learned from Mom.
Today as Along was making the cookie, I can't help but feel hollow inside, remembering all those baking hours with mom that we will never get to experience again.
My fondest memory of Mom's baking triumph happened the year I was six. I so wanted Mom to bake a cake and decorate it with icing and pretty little flowers. What Mom didn't say was, "Listen kid, I don't know how to ice a cake so it's a no." What mom did instead was figured out the best way she knew how and created me an iced cake.
Till today I think that cake mom made me when I was 6 was the most gorgeous creation I've ever seen. Of course to my consternation, a friend I brought home to share in this wondrous creation had the cheek to tell me the cake was ugly.
I don't even remember that friend anymore, but I still remember how angry I was when she said Mom's cake was anything but wonderful.
As the years passed Mom never attempted to ice a cake again and I never asked her to do it after that one time. I don't really know why. Maybe I was afraid another friend would denounce another cake and hurt my pride in Mom's cooking abilities again.
From being Mom's kitchen helper since I was old enough to really be of help in the kitchen, I've learned a lot from Mom about culinary things. But alas, I discovered after Mom passed away, that there are still many recipes and tricks of the trade that I didn't get to learn from Mom.
I guess now I have to continue this journey into the culinary world on my own.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Conversation With Mom 2
Mommy sayang,
Along was unwell yesterday . She was in so much pain and she was crying for you. She said when you were alive you were the only one who would wake up in the middle of the night to massage her wind-stricken body. She said you were the only one who would take care of her when she's not feeling well.
She reminisce that even when you yourself weren't feeling well you still got up at night to take care of her. Such was your love.
I remember mom, how you were always there to take care of each one of us when we were sick. How you would make black tea for me when I had diarrhea. Or cook porridge for along when she kept on vomiting. Or rub oil on dad in the middle of the night when no one else would wake up.
How you would massage Abang's legs when they were sore, or prepare him a special diet when he just got circumcised.
Mom, you were our Florence Nightingale, you were our Angel here on earth.
Now you are gone and the emptiness we feel is amplified when certain things happens in our lives that remind us of what we have lost.
I wanted to cry along with Along when she was heartbroken that you are no longer here for succor. I too have missed your loving touch, your caring spirit your kind attention.
Mom, you have gone too soon. This life feels incomplete without you in it.
How many ways can I say that I still wish you were still here.
Mom, I want so much to say R.I.P. and not only mean it, but actually allow you to R.I.P. but I don't think your spirit is settled with us here still missing and needing you so bad.
I'm sorry if I'm making your spirit restless over yonder. I really don't mean to give you a troubled after life, but I can't help missing you and thinking of you. I've been dreaming about you so many times since you had passed away and it all points out that you are a restless spirit and I can't help but feel that it's my fault that your spirit isn't calm and in peace.
I keep wanting you back mom. I know it's wrong, I know it's impossible, but life is just not the same without you.
Mom, I'll say it again, R.I.P. I hope I'll learn to leave you in peace soon.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Never Forgotten
I am afraid that I'm forgetting Mom. As days, weeks and months go by I'm fearing that bit by bit the memories I have of Mom will fade away.
Like today, for the life of me, I cannot remember mom's drink preference if we go out to a mamak stall (coffee shop). I know it's a trivial thing to want to remember, but it's the little little things that made up who mom was.
What if after years go by I'd start to forget the essential things and factoids about Mom and what made her who she was.
I'm not alone in this. My little brother, Abang, he worries that sometimes he doesn't think about mom anymore.
What if one day I wake up and it was as if mom never was.
This is my fear now. Something I am acutely terrified off.
I don't ever want to forget Mom. It's bad enough that she is no longer around, but it'll be worse if those who loved her lose all sense of who she had been.
This is another reason why I'm keeping this blog. To write things, memories about mom, so in case I EVER heaven forbids, forgets what made Mom who she was, I'd have these postings as reminders.
Just to write certain things about mom, she loved watermelon juice, cakes on her birthdays were always something she looked forward to and she would always be so touched if we bring her back some things from whatever outings we went to that she didn't go along with.
She loved red roses and for her hantaran (dowry) on her wedding day she asked from my dad 77 red roses.
She was gentle and kind and seldom lost her temper, which did not mean that she didn't have one. It just take a lot to get her really angry. My elder sister would testify that she at her stubborn best would sometimes meet the angry Tiger (mom was born in the year of the Tiger) mom could be.
But loving. That's the most salient thing about mom. Above all she was such a loving individual. Her heart had a tremendous capacity for love.
Oh, and mom never holds grudges. That just wasn't the kind of person she was.
Oh, mom, how I miss you.
R.I.P. Mom
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Conversation with Mom
Mommy,
I miss you. Wish you were still here so I can share with you my worries and my thoughts. You were my constant companion and now that you are gone there is no one I can really talk to.
There is something weighing on my mind. It's about Along. She's been depressed because she is missing Phil so bad. You met Phil mom. Just that one time. The first time he came you didn't see him. The second time was when Along introduced you to him. By the third time he came, he visited you at your grave.
The thing is Mom, Along and he are planning to get married. Just that it's taking longer than along expected. The miles apart and missing him is killing her. Simple Plan's latest song 'Jet Lag' describes how she feels perfectly. I shared the song with sis and she cried.
She's been crying a lot lately.
It's troubling mom. And I know she's missing you along with missing Phil.
She regrets that she couldn't fulfill your desperate wish for her to get married when you were alive.
Mom, so many things I wish I could still share with you, so many things about you that I still sorely miss.
I know when you were alive I dreaded it every time you wanted me to pull your grey hair, and more often than not, I would refuse your request, but now I would give anything to just hear you say, "Adik, cabut uban mommy, (Adik, pull my grey hairs)".
And I miss preparing meals with you. Cooking now is a solitary task that I have undertaken fully. There's no more you to keep me company and supervise me cooking. No more you to refer to when I have doubt about what goes in what.
Mom, I miss you. So very much.
Next week the fasting month begins. The first one I'm facing without you. Sahur (early morning meal before fasting begin, taken at pre-dawn) won't be the same without you to make sure everyone gets up and have their meal. This year it will be my duty to ensure that there's food on the table for sahur every day.
And than after the fasting month, will be Eid. And we will only be able to say a prayer at your grave. There will no longer be a chance for us to kneel at your feet and ask you for forgiveness. This year that ceremony will only be with one part of a full set of parents. I guess I'll have to do my apologies at your grave.
Oh mom, how life's change since you've been gone.
You were a crucial part of our lives and now you are just gone and we are left with an emptiness that can't be filled.
R.I.P Mom
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Q & A With Mom
There was one rhetorical questions that I often times posed to mom. I would ask her "What will become of me Mom?"
Mom's standard answer would be, "You'll be all right."
Oh, how I miss mom's confident assurance. It will always make me feel better somehow. At moments of doubts when life wasn't going the way I plan or even at moments of boredom contemplating on a future of more of the same, mom's assuring affirmation that my life will turn out all right will always settle my disquiet.
Mom's comforting words were not all that I've lost when mom passed away. For some semblance of what I feel that I've lost I've added below the eulogy I wrote for mom right after we buried her on November 5th 2010 at 1.15 pm:
"Mummy love, your pain has ended for which I am eternally grateful, but mine has just begun. How do I define the emptiness you left behind? My best friend, my confidant, the place I run to when there's no where else to hide, my shelter from storm; how many other innumerable ways can I describe to you for which I have lost today. Mummy love, I know I trouble your spirit with my tears, forgive me for adding to the pain you have already endured while on this earthly plains, but mummy love, who will I turn to now when no one else can cure my pain? You were the answer to every question I ever dared ask and now I know the answer to the biggest mystery of all, how can one hurt so much simply from loving someone without any boundaries: the answer lies in the very nature of that love itself, and know that my love for you is limitless as my insurmountable pain will attest to that fact."
I still feel the same way I did back then. There is nothing on this earth that can cover the gaping whole in my heart left after mom moved on.
People say time heal all wounds. I don't know whether not enough time has passes or whether this is one wound that time cannot heal.
The Night Mom Passed Away
Along and Abang at the hospital on the night mom passed away.
Mom passed away on Thursday night, just 12 minutes shy of midnight.
I still recall the jarring phone call from my big sis Along. She said "Mommy dah tak ada. (Mom is gone)" I remember waking everyone from sleep. I remember the bewilderment and confusion in my little brother, Abang's face as he was jarred from sleep.
But in truth, I was expecting that call that night, which explains why I was still awake at that hour.
The whole day prior to that fateful call, mom's blood pressure keep spiraling downwards.
40 minutes before Along's call came in informing me that mom has passed away I called Along and asked her what Mom's blood pressure reading was. In tears, Along told me that it was 4o/20.
I knew it wouldn't be long before mom would be gone.
Still even expecting her death, as we were all then, didn't make it any less a shock and heartbreak.
I still remember the journey to the hospital. Dad was on the phone with his good friend Uncle Johan desperately asking for strength and support in that dark hour.
Uncle Johan didn't disappoint. He straight away told dad that he was on his way to the hospital and that he would make every arrangement necessary for mom's funeral preparations.
We arrived at the hospital some half an hour after the phone call from sis. We told the guard on duty that we were headed up because there was a kematian (death).
We went into the ward and saw Along standing by the window, silent and stoic even through her noiseless tears. The drapes were closed to Mom's cubicle as two nurses were removing the life support system which had previously been keeping mom alive from four days ago, on that Monday when Mom had cease to give any response.
Truth is, the doctors had had Along sign a death in line form acknowledging that the doctors had informed the next of kin of mom's imminent demise.
But, we were still hoping for a miracle. Partly because we really weren't ready to say goodbye to mom and partly because throughout Mom's 46 days in the hospital, the doctors had been signing mom's death warrant every chance they had.
Who would have thought that a fall in the kitchen could lead to mom being riled with infections, so much so that her cause of death was written as 'sepsis with multiple organ failure'.
What a rush of memory I'm experiencing as I rehash the night that an angel left this earth to return to the Almighty.
All that's left now are memories; the main reason why I created this blog. To immortalize mom in cyberspace. Till the next time.
R.I.P. Mom.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Mom's Dishes
Everyone in life has a god-given talent. Some can sing, some can write, some are good with numbers... you get the idea. Mom's God-given talent was she was an incredible cook. She can take the simplest ingredient and make them into something so unbelievably scrumptious.Mom's legacy to those left behind was the pleasure she made other's feel after sampling her cooking.
A cousin second time remove said when she met me at the hospital while visiting Mom last year, that her family still kept Mom's handwritten recipe of the delectable Madelines that Mom was famous for when she was in her early twenties.
Mom used to bake a lot of desert type things. She was a desert queen. But later in life, she kind of grew tired of making those deserts, she just kept her cooking to the savory daily dish.
My most favorite Mom dish is Nasi Minyak with Rendang Daging. I thank to heavens that I learned how to cook Mom's signature dish before she passed away.
Regretfully, there are scores other recipes that only Mom knows how to make that I didn't get to inherit from her. I always figured that I still had a lot of time to learn them from now.
How was I to know that time would run short on Mom and that I will never get the opportunity to learn how to make ikan sarak, kerabu paku, karipap, to name but a few of the dishes that Mom was a master of.
Regret. It's a useless thing that serves no purpose other than to make you feel miserable. Yet that is how I feel. Regret at the opportunity lost to learn all of Mom's culinary tricks.
My only solace is in the knowledge that at least I've learned the recipe to my most favorite Mom's specialty dish.
Hospital Trips With Mom
I don't have a picture for this memory because it happened a long time ago and what physical photo I have left of those time are long gone. But the memories are as fresh as when it actually happened.
My most memorable moments with mom happened the year I was 10. I had UTI back then and needed to visit the hospital every month. Once a month, every one Wednesday, Mom and I would take the bus from Chenor to Temerluh and then another bus from Temerluh to Kuantan where the hospital was.
It was my special time with Mom. We would go to Kuantan early in the morning to get to my appointment and it was a treat for me. You would think I would dread the hospital visits, but to me it was a time spend with mom just by myself and it was a day off from school and Mom would always either treat me to a lunch at KFC or A&W.
And whatever new toy or prize from those fast food restaurant will be mine for the asking.
I loved those few months when I had to go back and forth to the hospitals because it was a wonderful time spend away from home where no chores needed to be done and mom was there just to spoil me with her undivided attention.
I still recall those trips to the hospital with fondness and it is something that will never be erased from my memory bank.
Last year it was my turn to go to the hospital for Mom's sake. Looking after her after she was admitted to a normal ward was my responsibility and I was glad to look after her, even though it was emotionally draining watching Mom slip away from my grasp bit by tiny bit.
Speaking of hospitals, it would seem that between Mom and I we have seen a lifetime's worth of hospital. During her life Mom too has been in and out of hospitals, the last trip to the hospital being the most serious and fatal.
Hospitals now bring a different meaning to me. It is no longer a nice field trip with mom where at the end of the day I'll get a KFC treat. It is now the place where I lost Mom. The horror of losing the one you love is what marks hospitals for me nowadays.
I guess I will never think of hospital now without thinking that there was the last place where I saw Mom alive.
From joyful childhood trips to regulate a rather non-threatening aillment to heartbreaking sorrow of watching Mom passed away, hospitals have always been a mainstay in my life and I hope I won't grow an aversion to it because of what happened to Mom.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Missing Mom
It is close to nine months since mom returned home to the Almighty. Nine months of adjusting to life without mom. Nine months of trying to accept that mom is no longer around. I look at this picture of my lil brother, Abang with Mom and a knife twists in my heart, a sharp reminder that I will never see Abang being affectionate with mom again.
No more will I see mom smile whenever boy does something adorable or sweet that would warrant that special smile from mom.
I created this blog today, because I find I still have so much to share with the world about Mom and about losing her and how my family and I are dealing with the lost of an angel on earth; my own sweet Mom.
I know most everyone in this world who had been fortunate enough to have been born to a loving and nurturing mom would say the same, that they love their mom and their mom is the best in the world.
Well I'm saying it here, I love my mom and she is the best mom anyone could have had and losing her left a gaping whole in my heart that no amount of time is going to heal.
Mom, I love you and I miss you.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you.
You were the sun, stars and moon in my sky and without you to illuminate my life now it is really hard to see the way.
I know you are off in a better place now, but I can't help but wish you were still here.
I love you Mom.
And I miss you. So very, very much.
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