Remembering

Felt like listening to 'Shame' by Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow. And I don't even know why I felt like listening to it again after all these times. As I listened to the song again, it brought back memories of Mom during her 46 days stint in the hospital.

This song was released in the middle of Mom's stay there.

I remember how this song was like an anthem for me during those days.

I'm brought back to those heart-wrenching days as I watched Mum disappear right before my eyes.

It's been a while since it hits me this hard. I'm bawling almost as hard as I did back when Mom just passed away.

I miss Mom all the time, but there are days when it's harder than normal to keep the tears at bay.

As hard as those 46 days were, I'd give anything to be able to sit beside Mom once again and watch her as she sleeps.

I know, I know. She's off to a better place. She's no longer suffering. But can I help it if I miss her so much?

Amazing how even a trivial thing like listening to a song could open the floodgate of memories.

There was Mom as she delighted at the small amount of ice cream we managed to give her after she's been craving it for weeks.Then there was Mom asking me to sing to her.  Then again there was Mom as she lay tired after her dialysis treatment. And again Mom on her last days on the respirator, blood coming out of her mouth....

These images will never be wiped from my memory, nor do I want it gone, it's just that sometimes when it comes back to haunt me, missing Mom gets harder to handle.

Taking a deep breath and hope this spell of heartache will end soon.

R.I.P. Mom

When Silence Gets Too Much

Sometimes silence might seem like indifference,
Days, weeks go by and I keep my distance,
Not because I don't care,
Not because I've forgotten,
But sometimes silence is all there is
When words fail to describe further how much I miss you
How much I yearn and how much I ache for you.

But I've been silent far too long,
The stillness is deafening,
And I again search for the words,
Whether in vain or not,
It is for you to judge,
As I once more struggle to tell you,
What life is like now that you no longer walk it with us.

Mommy love,
If I could paint you the bleakness of my soul,
Without it coming up pitch dark
Like my heart is,
I would.
I would show you the many shades of grief,
The layers of hurt,
The lines of pain,
But alas I am not much of a painter,
And all I have are these words,
And still they fail me.

How many ways can you write what pain means,
What loss is all about?
How many words can be scribed telling you
How my heart bleeds,
How my spirit is shredded...
Too many and too little all at the same time.
Suffice is to say, this is another expression of
My soul's dejection.

I love you and I miss you.

Adik
2011 hrs. 19 June 2012,
The empty house you left behind,
Puchong, Selangor

Conversation With Mom 21

Mommy love,

Uncle Dzul (Dad's mentor and friend) and Pak Long (Dad's Brother) both passed away recently. Uncle Dzul on Saturday June 2nd and Pak Long On Tuesday June 5th.

I don't know how things work in the after life, but I was hoping you'll have more company now. I hate the thought of you alone. I hope all those people we've known in our lives who have moved on as well are there with you and that you are not lonely.

Mom, I worry about you still. I wonder how you are faring in the after life. I hope you are doing all right.

Me? I'm not doing too well. Too stressed and too many things ailing me. Right now I'm eating 9 different medications daily and I'm guessing when I meet my doctor next for my diabetes appointment I will have to add another medication on my list. Oh and don't forget the insulin jab at night.

I don't mean to worry you, but you know how it is mom, you were about the only one I could always talk too.

I miss those times Mom. Those times when I would talk your ears off. You would listen and would tell me things that would make everything that seems wrong in my life looks less threatening and scary.

I miss you, period.

I know every time I have this conversation with you I'd be telling you in one form or the other how much I miss you. i'd hate to sound repetitive, but it just doesn't seem to be enough - me telling you how much I miss you.

Life is rather stressful now. Dad is overtly sensitive and every gestures and words we utter he would misinterpret it in the negative way. He keeps insisting that we don't love him anymore, that we find him a burden to us and he keeps saying that it's not like he is going to live for very long anyway and that soon we would be free of him.

This is so outlandish that I don't know how to tell him that he is paranoid. We love him so much and would never wish ill off him. We don't want to lose him anytime soon. Losing you was hard enough. Losing dad in any near future would just about shatter us.

I'm telling you all this so that not only will you know what's going on down here, but also so dad could read this and know that we do not resent him and do not for a second think he is a nuisance.

We love dad. We love you. The both of you makes the best parents any child could have, even with all your flaws and failings.

No one is perfect, but the both of you have loved us beyond what perfection could initiate.

Dad, if you are reading this, please, please know that we love you always and would never wish ill on you.

Mom, please whisper in Dad's dreams that he doesn't need to leave this plane so fast and that you'll be waiting for him when and only when his time has come.

I love you Mom. Sorry if I brought trouble to your resting self. I have no one really I could share this with.

I miss you always. R.I.P. Mom.

Love,
Adik