Sunday, September 23, 2012

Conversation With Mom 23

Mommy love,

It's been a while since we last had a conversation. It's not because I didn't want to talk with you it's just that I couldn't write what I had to say without it sending me into another tailspin of tears.

Mom, you know that despite how much I would have liked to remain frozen in time back to when you were still breathing that this can't happen - that time has to move on and me along with it.

Not much has changed in our life since you were around other than that now you are gone and we have to do without your loving presence.

Your duties before... all the housework that you used to do, that has largely been transferred to me. It is my responsibility now to see that dinner is on the table, clothes are washed and folded... stuff that you used to do is now up to me to see to.

Along remains as she is. The everlasting chauffeur and everybody's care taker.

Dad is still, sad to say on my useless unemployed self, the main breadwinner of the family despite him having suffered a mild stroke and stomach ulcer.

And Abang. He knows now Mom. The thing that you were so worried how he'd react to it if he ever found out and largely he is taking it well and his major problem that you used to worry about too is also taken care off now. I supposed you probably already knew, but I wanted to tell you anyway.

And Grey. She has now taken the spot near Along's feet now that she can no longer sleep by yours. Remember that Mom? How you used to scold her for bothering you when you were sleeping?

Then there's Aunty Jen. What can I say? She is still tenaciously holding on to her relationship with Dad. She keep saying that she could leave him any time but funny thing is she keeps coming back. You know how it is. It is neither here nor there... but it's just exasperating some times when she brings on the drama and put on a show and act as if she has enough but truth is she could never let Dad go and this is something we all know don't we Mom?

But enough about her.

I am seriously in need of a job. You know I had one a month after your passing but I went and quit that one. And ever since I left and have nothing to do I have not been able to find a new job. Maybe you could work some divine intervention with the Big One and hope your blessings and Allah's mercy will let me land a good reliable job that I won't be wanting to quit within 3 months!

It's like I'm really desperate to find a job now Mom... and while at it could you also work your ethereal magic on my love life? Hahaha... you remember Mom how desperate you were to want Along and I to be married when you were in the hospital? You kept asking the both of us, "Are you married yet?" As if we'd marry without you knowing about it.

Those days in the hospital... still brings tears to my eyes thinking how sick you were and how much pain you were in and how hungry you must have felt when all you were given were milk through the tube... Mom... I know those days in the hospital;s were hard - for you and for me emotionally watching you slip away... but I would give anything to have those days back.

I know... this kind of talk is not conducive to anything but more pain... but I miss you... and I love you, oh so much!

I will talk with you again soon Mom. For now it is just too much on my heart having this 'pretend' conversation with you while thinking of all those 'real' conversations we used to share. Heartbreak.

R.I.P. Mom

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Dreams and Nightmares: Mom in the Night

A few raya back before Mom passed away

Abang had a nightmare the other day that something possessed Mom's lifeless form and cause her to turn into an abomination.

It scared Abang silly and made him miss Mom even more. He was worried that to him it seems as if it doesn't matter anymore that Mom isn't around anymore. He was also in wonder that it has barely been two years since Mom moved on - it seems to him that it has been a longer amount of time since Mom's passing.

Just a few days before the nightmare, Abang mentioned how it has been quite a while since he dreamt of Mom. This was said after I mentioned that I had another dream about Mom.

Not all of my dreams about Mom are pleasant. I have a nightmare or two where Mom came back from the grave, where she was buried alive and had to dig her way out of the grave...

I don't now why, but out of the four of us (dad, Along, Abang and myself) I am the one who is frequently having dreams about Mom.

I get like four to five dream a month on average and it always leaves me with an ache in my heart that just won't heal.

I added this picture of a few raya back, just to remind myself how it was when Mom was around and our family was complete.

It feels strange without Mom around. Despite what Abang says of him already too easily letting go of Mom, I know he still misses her and still think of her and how she loved him so much.

I know there are still things he wishes Mom was around to see. 

The same applies to each one of us. 

I know we are dealing with the loss in our own unique way.

Mine is this blog. Whenever it gets too lonely and I miss Mom too much, this blog is my refuge. 

Here, I can share my pain and deal with it at the same time. Here, I honor Mom's memories and here too sometimes when it gets too much and I just need that contact with Mom is where I will have my 'conversations' with her.

I miss you Mom and I love you - always and forever.

R.I.P. Mom